who takes time to read shit like this anyways.
I don’t know what to write. I don’t want to say. I’m just simply going to rant about what I want to do with my life, what I want to do with the frustrations that I have. I’m not sure if this is going to go anywhere. It simply is a rant. That’s all. I can go on about through this preface but I simply do not have the energy to go in great detail about it. I’m simply just going to do it. Time to put on a mask.
How could I allow myself to get to this point? How could I be in such rut? Why do I feel stuck in this world as in my sense of purpose is gone? I need to carve out a new sense of purpose for myself. In looking at the past couple of years since attending this university, I have grown in both positive and negative aspects. It hurts me to my dismay to articulate that I feel there have been a multitude of negative aspects that seem to plague my existence. The first, oh the first is a dreadful subject matter, even one that I still seem to find myself at odds in discussing. I cannot accept it. I cannot understand it. I know there is a problem but the fact that the problem is so big that it could potentially affect my livelihood, I choose to go and live my life. I am an alcoholic. I drink so much. I drink to a point of utter frustration at myself for being unable to recollect the nights that have gone by. Its frequency is so often I am simply scared. My biggest worries of a night in which I plan to paint the town is not, “will I be alive to see tomorrow? Who knows? Who cares?” I drink profusely and to a point of bewilderment, of rage, of utter madness. The blackouts are not simply just blackouts but they are blips in my life that I cannot take back. I no longer want to go on with this stupid charade. People don’t understand. They can only judge and hypocritically project their problems onto me. I have accepted that I have a problem. I simply choose not to address it and delve into as to potentially lose my life. I feel as if I were a daredevil. I am trying to live life on the edge by pushing the amount of liqueur I can consume. Yet, that is not a good validation at present situations. There have been moments of rage that have pushed people I truly care about to a far away place. I have pushed and pushed them, not knowing one of the few men I will always care about, that I fake this hatred and bitterness to will always be on of my first and everlasting loves. I am appalled at my behavior on so many levels with the poor choice of environment and excessive amount of alcohol that I broke his heart, destroyed our friendship and forever lost his trust. It pains to know I hurt a dear friend that would die for me almost died because of my utter stupidity. A speeding vehicle, stopped less than a foot away, how does that feel to recall? Oh wait, unfortunately, I am unable to recollect that moment in time since I simply was too inebriated. Happy 21st birthday you fool. At one point, you could have not only lost your life but your very dear friend Redginald would have and could have lost it all as well. I am a fool and yet how do I continue to live this life that simply is destroying me little by little. Why? Why do you keep doing this to yourself Jan Victor? Don’t you know you’re liver could fail? Don’t you know your mind is deteriorating? YES! I do. I know. I know what I am doing. I know that my mind is slowly disappearing into a place I wish to no longer occupy. Depression. Sadness. Apathy. I feel nothing, days are simply BORING. Life truly has become a chore and I no longer want to feel that way and yet I do. I continue to feel as though it isn’t even worth living but rather it is just something to do. Like walking. Or taking tests. Or going to class. Or eating. & so why not end it? Yet there is this ambivalence that plagues me. I don’t want to lose this chore. I like this chore but I don’t appreciate it very much. This chore has taught me values, lessons, morality, a code of conduct or way of living. I have learned so much and done so much and grown so much but yet I do not appreciate this simple chore of just living. Well, maybe it isn’t so simple but this chore is a task I wish to undertake with every fiber of my being, every single breath I take, I want to complete this chore. This is where the dilemma comes in, this is where you come in. Well, not you a person, a being but rather you, this writing piece. You exist because my thoughts can no longer stay within the crevices of my head but I need to write it out. To put it into an empty canvas and figure out what this picture looks like. I want to assemble the puzzle together so I know now what perspective and path to take. I don’t know what I am doing, I know writing doesn’t always help but this is my opportunity to extrapolate uncharted places in my thought process.
I have a problem. I drink too much. I drink too often. I hurt people when I drink. I hurt myself when I drink. I am unfazed by the consequences of liquid luxury and yet I continue to live this lifestyle. Is that all? I say it and it gets better. It gets better. That’s a lie, it doesn’t get better. I have to take active steps in making it better. I have to make the effort and time to move towards that place I want to be. Not a physical space but rather the emotional, mental, psychological, etc.-al, whatever, basically, where I want to go. Who I want to become. What I will be. & yet, the answers aren’t so clear. I know two simple things. I want to be alive & I want to be happy. & I guess a third point is I want to “coexist” but not as to stifle myself. Then we get back to the dilemma again. Am I stifling myself in trying to please people and societal norms on what is a “perceived” problem? Who knows? Maybe I am problematizing something because I was socially constructed to think this way? Everyday or at least the moments when people see me drink, hear me talking about drinking or any form involving drinking and at other times drugs, it always begs to ask, Jan that’s problematic. You’re a mess. A hot as mess. A me$$. Should I accept and heed their statements as perspectives that I need to explore and listen to? I don’t know. I am a fool. Maybe I am wasting my time since I feel as if I am going roundabout in this discussion with myself and this writing piece? I don’t know. I am simply frustrated and I think I am going to end for now. I am exhausted in trying to write down all of these thoughts. I will continue another day. Who knows if I am going to continue the discussion but I plan to write. To write as much as I can and simply document my insanity. Or prove my sanity? Who knows? All I know is, this is for me and not for anyone else. This is for my healing or whatever I want to call this but someday in some way, this will help me work things out.
